Thursday, December 30, 2004


Kini says: In code I Trust !!
Budhha:Code is the life.. Life is the code..
Bible: And on the sixth day,GOD said, Let there be code !! And there was Oracle PL/SQL !
Martin Luther King : I have a dream...That everything is a piece of code...
Hitler: Heil Hitler ! Heil code !
Morpheus: I believe, that only Code can save Xion !!
Virdee says : Jo Bole So Nihal, CODE ji Sat Sri Akal !!


Friday, December 24, 2004

Swadesh..... We the people....

I saw Swadesh on Sunday but didn't get the time to write anything about the movie. I think I was not doing justice to the movie by not writing anything about it.
Swadesh is different. Its not like some movie where a hero come from US and finds the village to be like countryside of NewZealand or misty Ireland. (Recall MAIN PREM KI DIWANI HOON from our own Sooraj Barjatya)
When Mohan Bhargav (ShahRukh Khan) lands in the old age home in NewDelhi to find his nanny Kaveri Amma, the old are singing a bhajan and that too without music. This is how bhajans are sung in India and not with Bally Sagoo and his remix. (Recall KUCH KUCH HOTA HAI - Raghupati Raghav Raja Raam)
I went to my home town Kharagpur from 10th to 14th of December and was frustrated to see the roads there. The roads were like 20 ft wide maximum and have been like that since I was born. they have not widened at all, with cycle rickshaws, bikes, cars, trucks, buses all plying on them and avoiding the pot holes which have omnipresent since stoneage.
You can see the IT boom even in a small town in India like Khapagpur; Internet cafes, 5 mobile service providers and computer in all my cousins homes. But what about basic amminities? There is power cut everyday in the town, municipality is still not able to provide water to all the houses in the town, no sanitation, kids still sleep near the rail tracks, shit on rail tracks, there is no transport facility although the population has increased at a great pace. In all the years I have lived there, not even a single big factory has comeup. Where does the youth get employed? What do they do after gradutaing?
Well Swadesh made me think atleast.
There was this lady sarpanch she says to Kaveri Amma "ARRE BARAF KA MUSTAKBIL YEHI HAI KI USKO PANI MEIN HI PIGHAL JANA HAI" (Ice knows that it has to melt and mix with the water) Mera kustakbil kya hai uuparwala jane, par aapne sheher ke liye kuch toh karna hai. Jis sheher mein aap pale badhe ho uski khushboo aap mein bas jati hai.
No movie had so much impact on me as Swadesh.
Coming back to the movie. Its right paced because Mohan Bhargav cannot just realize one morning that "OK I want to live in India-I want to do somthing for the community". Ashutosh Gawarikar has given right amount of time to Mohan Bhargav to realize that. And Gita (Gayatri Joshi) doesn't even know she is falling in love with this guy. And in the end of the movie when Mohan Bhargav tells Mela Raam that he will send the sponsorship papers as soon as he reaches US, Mela Raam replies that his desh is India and he doesnt feel like going to US anymore (Mela Raam wanted to open a Dhaba in US) . He says, "Its like keeping diya in your own house and giving light to the neighbour where as there is darkness in your own house" Think of it like this: Guy has brains and works for Microsoft or Cisco or NASA in USA where as he can work for Infosys or Ranbaxy or DRDO in India. Very-very well written dialogs.
The songs of Swadesh are too cool. And Thankgod Thankgod there is no song where SRK is dancing and models from around the world with blond hair are dancing on "BALLE BALLE SAY SHAVA SHAVA" ( Thats possible in all movies of Karan Johar, even the Gora kids of 1st grade in London can sing, Jana gana Mana, utter non-sense) Ok Mr.Karan Johar you love India but show some reality in your movies.
The song "YEH RASTA HAI, HAI KEH RAHA" just runs through, its very soothing to the ears. The song "YEH TARA WOH TARA" is just too good. It tells us that each person has to do specific tasks in the life (Lohar, Kisaan, Kumhar) and if he doesn't do that life doesn't move ahead. Tries to tell that the uppercast and lower cast are not needed in the society.
Swadesh is a must see for We... The People of India....


Thursday, December 23, 2004

Rok Sako Toh Rok Lo...

Hey Ashwin you remember we read about this movie "ROK SAKO TOH ROK LO" promotion in the newspaper??
Sunny Bhaji why did you make this movie... Infact Sunny Bhaji why are you making movies anyways??? Why dont you go back to your good old village and start doing Kheeti-Baari and help the kisaans of Lundhiana???
This guy "Arindam Chaudhary" counted his chickens before they hatched. Read the review. Infact I just wanted to see the movie to know how bad it is.


Thursday, December 16, 2004

Inter IIT at IIT-Madras

How much I hate working I came to know once the Inter-IIT 2004 started. There was sheer enthusiasm in September-October that I would go and watch each and every match of Madras but this job sucks big time and I am not able to take out time for what I like to do the most "STAY NEAR THE SPORTS FIELD".
Anyways, I got time today and went to see the hockey match between IIT-Bombay and IIT-Madras. Bombay is 2002 gold medalist and 2003 bronze medalist and brings a great team every time. Madras is the current champion and the silver medalists of 2002. It was going to be a great match we all knew that.
As soon as Mani Sir (IIT-Madras hockey coach) saw me, he barked, "What is this Virdi? Reduce your tummy" hitting it with a hockey stick. He is very motivating and an awesome guy and a great coach.
Match starts at sharp 1PM and there were more supporters of IIT-Bombay than IIT-Madras. Bloody fools no one there, only me, Mani sir and our players. Supporters gone for grub. Bon-Appetite.
Bombay makes first moves and comes in our D quite a number of times in the first 10 mins. Bala and Tullu, our backs are well supported by Robo and Venu, our left half and center-half. We somehow just hang on and 15 minutes pass and then the inevitable. Bombay takes lead. 1-0 up.
No one can believe this, not even the Bombay players themselves. There was a mistake by our half-line and the ball came straight to the stick of their forward and he pounced on it like a hungry lion.
Bombaaaaaaaaaayyyyy - Bombaaaaaaaaaaayyyy.... I hate this!!! I felt like going in the field and slapping every Madras player. They just didn’t show any urgency to snatch the ball from the attackers. The Bombay mid-field was great, there was this guy Lambe-Baal(LB) he kept coming in our D every 2 minutes and looked like scoring every time.
Half Time… Madras 1 to 0 down. All heads down and we feel like we have lost the match. Our attackers don’t have the passion and the eagerness shown by the Bombay guys. Sarkari didn’t make any move, Mamu hardly got any ball, Uday was down with injury, Bunny and Phantom looked like they were statues. Anand was one guy who looked like doing something but hockey is a team game.
Second half starts and LB again takes the ball and moves in the D and scores. Bombay 2-0 down. Second goal in seconds after the start of the second half. It’s like hell when the home team is losing and I hate to see that, I was cursing everyone, even Mani Sir.
5 minutes later 3-0 LB scores again. 30 minutes left and I think Bombay will put in at least half a dozen goals.
Bombaaaaaaaaayyyyy... Bombaaaaaaaaayyyyy...
I didn’t feel like watching the match anymore just that I had come from office to see the match I wanted to stay there. Till then all the Maddu Supporters had arrived and were shell shocked to see the score line.
Then Ma*** C*** - B*** C*** started.
Bombay ki maa ka…
Ek do teen Char Bombay ki G*** maar…

Then suddenly Uday from no where came in the D with the ball and scored a great goal. 3-1. And every Madras player got pumped up.
Moves were being made all of a sudden. Goli was sent it and was now playing back instead of Bala. He was blocking LB's moves. (I think he should have been sent in earlier)
Sarkari came in the 25 yeards line, with a great skill and we get a penalty corner in the 25th minute. Sarkari pushes; Anand receives the ball and dribbles past two and hits. Bang on the board. 3-2!!! Madras in majar enthu. Come on- guys-come on. Fight-guys-fight.
8 mins left and a through pass from Sarkari and Uday misses by 1 centimeter.
Again one pass from Sarkari and Mamu misses it by 1 millimeter I guess.
Bombay is tensed that the Maddus will score for sure.
Venu gets a free hit outside the D and cracks in; Uday like a cheetah is fast and bangs in.
People go crazy and are forced out of the ground by Vamsi (sports secy) and Ravanan (sports in charge, he is an ass though)
2 mins left and Anand dribbles past 5 and hits in the goal from nearly zero angle. Into the Net. And falls on the ground. Amazing. Just out of the world. I am hugging someone I don’t even know. It was great. Some people just ran into the field. No security could stop them. Anand is on the ground and the whole team is on him. It was great.
4-3 Final whistle. What a match. What a victory!!!
Mand- Makkar-Maar-Makar
Yeah… Yeah… Yeah… Yeah…
My throat is gone and I cant talk properly.
Tomorrow we have footer match at 9.30 AM... Junta I am going to hell with job and all that shit…
Madraaaaaaaaaaassssssssss….. Madraaaaaaaaaaassssssssss…..


Monday, November 15, 2004

My name is Anthony Gonzalves !!!

I always wanted to say what Amitabh Bachan said in the song "My Name is Anthony Gonzalves" in the movie Amar-Akbar-Anthony. So all those who are jobless and want to waste time here it is. Not the Hindi Lyrics but only the English Bakwas he does.
"Wait Wait Wait……… You see the whole country of this system is just a position by the hemoglobin in the atmosphere because you are a sophistication retroration intoxicated by the exuberance of your own babocity……….

Ding Ding Ding……. (Some Hindi Crap)

You see such extenuating circumstances co-ed me to preclude you of such extravaganza……
Ding Ding Ding…….. (Some Hindi Crap)

You see the coefficient of the linear….. Is just a position…..By the hemoglobin pressure in the country……
Then some Ding Ding Ding in Hindi again and song ends......"
Now practise.....


Tuesday, November 09, 2004


The India-Pakistan series has been a resounding success. It also demolished the myth that people no longer watch hockey. India may have lost the series has proved beyond doubt that hockey still touches a big chord in every Indian heart.
Just as the series ended, there was news that India had got a call for the Champions Trophy. This is great news. This is a God-send opportunity for the players and coach Gerhard Rach. To be able to play the best teams in the world in a premier event is indeed an honour.
The Pakistan-leg provided huge crowds across the border and when the series came to India, some murmurs were heard after the opening match in Delhi, which did not attract as big a crowd as the National Stadium could have accommodated. Yet, believe me, about 8,000-10,000 people on a working day and in the afternoon at 1.30 pm means hockey is still the national sport of this country.
The smaller stadiums in Punjab showed that the game is alive and kicking and there are enough supporters for it. When the last match was held at Hyderabad, the atmosphere was terrific -- under the lights and with a decent crowd around. To add to that India won. That is what can happen to hockey, if everything around it is right.
In the absence of quality international hockey and even the National Championships, we had almost begun to believe that people no longer wanted to see hockey. The fact is there was no hockey, so how could people decide whether or not they wanted to see it.
Also for the players, many of whom seemed new names to the public, got a chance to show their worth. With no Nationals, and only the graded tournaments taking place, there was no platform for them to show their mettle. They may have some way to go, but at least the public has seen some of them.
We have been talking about Adrian D'Souza as a great goalkeeper, and after the Olympics, he has been able to show his class at home as well.
Dilip Tirkey has emerged as the pillar of the team. Ignace Tirkey, Vikram Pillay, Sandeep Michael and Viren Rasquinha have also shown good performances, but I will be happy to see more goals. The penalty corners are the big hole in our plans.
Sandeep Singh is too inconsistent. Also ball stopping during set pieces needs to be worked on. We need variations to catch the opposition off-guard. Then to supplement that, we need our players to be alert to avoid conceding goals off counter attacks.
Above all, taking time to settle down and not going all out till the last second is going to be another area of worry for Rach. There were some loopholes in trapping and off-the-ball running too requires improvement.
Having said that, I must also admit that the side has enough talent to improve on these areas of concern.
This will be the third successive year we will be going to the Champions Trophy and next year the event is at home. So, these two chances should be used to ensure that the Indian team is in perfect shape for the assault on the Asian Games gold medal.
The junior World Cup will be held next year and many of the players who played the series against Pakistan will be in the team. They have now got the taste of top class hockey and more is to come in the Champions Trophy.
And yes, despite the series loss, Indian hockey has a lot to look forward to.


Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Green Ghosts

Gandalf clumped his staff on the ground and looked around. He had no idea why he had been summoned here and by whom. The rock under the tree gave an air of knowing more than him and turned what passed for its back on him.

“Show yourself!!” he suddenly roared. “Who is it who brought me here? The Wizard’s Sign is never broadcast unless there is going to occur a dire disaster in the…” He broke off when the branches of the tree shook and a few leaves fell on him.

Gandalf sighed and looked up.

“I should have known it would be you, Virdi the Verdant. No one else would take me away from the Wizard’s Council.”

The wizard up in the tree stretched his arm and examined his fingers. Then with a lithe jump, he somersaulted and sailed to the ground.

“Gandalf the Grey, you could never resist a challenge. That is why you are here.”

“There is no challenge in what you propose.”

“All I ask is for you to place your hand on this and tell me what you sense,” said the young wizard.

Gandalf looked askance at the squat object on the ground.

“I do not foretell the future,” he said, impatiently.

Virdi stood with his hands on his hips and wiggled his eyebrows.

Gandalf flung out a hand.

“Very well, I do, I do, I will! Just don’t do that with your eyebrows. Why of all the wizards did you have to be the one who saw me … what I did,” he grumbled.

Virdi stretched his arms out, and looked up at the sky.

“Then how could I have had all this,” he said.

Gandalf raised his staff and said,"Quiet!”

Virdi the Verdant stepped back a pace. He might be the only one who could get around Gandalf’s iron will but he respected the older wizard’s powers. And his voice, he thought, as the old Wizard thundered:“Then the gloom gathered; darkness growing in Valinor, the red blood flowing Beside the Sea, where the Noldor slew The Foamriders, and stealing drew Their white ships with their white sails From lamplit havens ...”

“Don’t laugh!” said Gandalf breaking off in midchant. “I’ll have you know it works,” he fulminated.

Virdi had doubled up in mirth. But now he straightened up and said, his voice wobbling with the effort to keep his laughter in check, "You might as well as say cabbages and tomatoes, Gandalf! You know it works for you.”

Gandalf pointed the staff at him.

“No," said Virdi, backing away.

“I saw the future,” said Gandalf, “and you are in it.”

“NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo……………!”


There was a long pause.

Virdi’s tone changed.


Gandalf smiled to himself and walked away, in his Universe.

Virdi dusted himself off and looked at the people around him. It would not take long to look like them. But it would take a long time for them to come round to his way of thinking.

He spoke aloud,

“Well, I shall make a start and change their…..”

“ATTITUDE. Man you have that…your clothes, your walk…major man,” said someone passing by.

Virdi nodded.

“Attitude. Yes, that’s what it shall be.”

And he walked into the New Universe.


Tuesday, October 19, 2004


Hello. My name is George Bush and I'm running for President. Please consider my qualifications as set forth in the following resume.
I entered Yale in 1964 with a SAT of 1206 (Verbal 566, Math 640), 200 points below Yale's average freshman in 1970, scoring in the 70th percentile nationwide. No one knows how I managed to gain admission at a school I was so clearly unqualified to attend. One theory is that my father and grandfather had attended Yale, and their legacy influenced the admissions board.
I graduated Yale in 1968 with a 2.35 GPA
In the fall of 1970 I was rejected from admission at University of Texas Law School.
In 1973 I applied to Harvard Business School with a 2.35 GPA. 1973 admission statistics are unavailable, but for an incomplete comparison today's Harvard students average a GPA of 3.5 - no students were accepted with a GPA lower than 2.6. With such extremely low scores it is a mystery how I gained my undeserved admission. One theory is that Harvard was keen to offer an admission to the son of a former Senator and then-Ambassador to the UN.
I graduated Harvard Business School with an MBA and below-average grades.
Two negligent collisions in July and August 1962 in Houston, TX (p20)
Arrested and charged with disorderly conduct in New Haven, CT in December 1966 (p20) for stealing a christmas tree while drunk
Convicted of drunk driving on September 4, 1976 in Kennebunkport, Maine.
As a strong supporter of the Vietnam War I did everything in my power to avoid military service, both foreign and domestic:
In February 1968 I applied to the Texas Air National Guard after scoring the bare minimum of 25th Percentile (p25) for the Officer's Pilot Aptitude Test. With low scores, no other qualifications listed, and a long list of applicants ahead of me nobody is sure how I got into the guard. Ben Barnes offers one explanation, swearing under oath that he called Brig Gen. Jim Rose at the request of my father's friend Sidney Adger, allowing me a privilege I did not otherwise deserve.
I left the 111th "Champagne Unit" on May 24 1972, requesting a transfer to the Alabama 9921st Air Reserve, a postal unit with no airplanes and no pilots. I did not appear for any service in the 9921st.
On July 21, 1972, my transfer request was rejected and I was commanded to return back to the 111st in Maxwell, AL. I remained away and did not return to Texas. I refused to submit to a physical exam in August, four months after the Air Force made drug tests mandatory for pilots on April 21, 1972. I was suspended and grounded as a disciplinary measure, ensuring I would never fly again.
On September 5, 1972, I once again requested a transfer to Alabama, and once again I failed to appear (this time at the 187th). Neither my commanding officer nor Mavanee Bear, my girlfriend at the time claims to have ever seen me in uniform, though I did get a free dental checkup.
I never met the requirements for honorable discharge, earning only 38 documented points out of a required 50 in 1973-74. I also completed only 36 of 43 required inactive-duty training periods in 1972-73, and 12 of 43 required in 1973-74. Fortunately I "worked something out" and was issued an honorable discharge I did not earn.
My participation in the National Guard was so low that even by the end of the Vietnam Conflict I had flown only 336 hours, not meeting the minimum standards (500 hours flight experience) for combat duty. Even if I had been called to active duty I would have been unqualified to serve by military regulations.
I founded Arbusto Energy in 1979 with money borrowed from family friends including James R Bath, representing Salem Bin Laden. Over the next five years I accepted at least $4.7 million dollars from my father's friends including George Ohrstrom and Russell Reynolds, Jr., returning $1.5 million to investors and taking on $3 million in debt. My company was rescued by a buyout from Spectrum 7 by my successful Yale classmates Mercer Reynolds and William DeWitt Jr. in 1984.
After the failure of Arbusto I was awarded a position as Chairman and CEO of Spectrum 7. My participation resulted in more failure as the company was driven to the brink of bankruptcy. I was rescued by a buyout from my father's friends Phil Kendrick and Stuart Watson at Harken Oil and Gas in 1985.
Impressed not by my abilities but by my connections to important people I was rewarded for my failure at Spectrum 7 with a seat on the Board of Directors at Harken Oil and Gas. Harken was a miserable failure during the time I spent there - it posted $23.2 billion in losses. I was investigated by the SEC for selling my shares one week before the loss announcement, and the resulting investigation explicitly did not exonerate me.
I was the owner of the Texas Rangers, made possible only by my father's friends William DeWitt and Richard E. Rainwater. My participation resulted in incredible success for myself and terrible misfortune for my neighbors. I used eminent domain to take taxpayers' land, paid for it with $4.9 million taxpayer dollars, and then spent $191 million more taxpayer dollars to build myself a stadium. I left the city of Arlington, TX with a $7.5 million debt that I still refuse to pay, even after I sold the Rangers to Thomas Hicks for $250 million (a 2500% profit).
I ran for the House of Representatives in 1978. My campaign was a miserable failure: I lost to Democrat Kent Hance after he criticized my family ties, prep school, Ivy League education, and jogging.
I ran for President in 2000. My campaign was destined to be a miserable failure until I used a whispering campaign of lies to destroy genuine war hero and fellow Republican John McCain, claiming he had fathered an illegitimate negro child and was emotionally unstable due to his torture as a POW in Vietnam.
In July 2001 I appointed Harvey Pitt to be the chairman of a "kinder, gentler SEC" to ease regulation of foreign businesses. The results have been the largest and most miserable failures of corporate accountability in modern corporate history: Enron, Worldcom, and now Fannie Mae.
The value of the dollar has collapsed 30% during my term.
I am the first President to unconstitutionally restrict my opponents' First Amendment rights by allowing my supporters to remain at the venue while restricting my detractors to "free speech zones," fenced-off areas up to half mile away from the media, the audience, and especially myself.
I've communicated less with the American people than any other president in the history of televised news, holding only one White House press conference every 3.25 months, compared to my father's 1.6 per month.
To prevent activist judges from rewriting the constitution to serve an agenda that Congress would never approve, I attempted to rewrite the constitution to serve an agenda they never came close to approving. My campaign for the Federal Marriage Amendment was a miserable failure: it failed to pass either house of congress. In the Senate the cloture call to end debate yielded only 48 votes, not the 67 required to pass the Senate, not the 60 votes required for cloture, not even the 50 votes of a simple majority.
My 2004 budget set the record for the largest deficit in history: either $477 billion or $521 billion (CBO and OMB numbers, respectively).
Nearly every major economic indicator has deteriorated since I took office in January 2001. Real GDP growth during my term is the lowest of any presidential term in recent memory. Total non-farm employment has contracted and the unemployment rate has increased. Bankruptcies are up sharply, as is our dependence on foreign capital to finance an exploding current account deficit. All three major stock indexes are lower now than at the time of my inauguration. The percentage of Americans in poverty has increased, real median income has declined, and income inequality has grown.
As president I ignored Clinton's warnings about Al Qaeda, mentioning that organization only once in public statements on national security between January 20, 2001 and September 10, 2001. In the same time period I mentioned Saddam Hussein 104 times and missile defense 101 times.
On August 6, 2001 I received a briefing titled "Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States" which warned that "the FBI indicates patterns of suspicious activity in the United States consistent with preparations for hijacking." For one month I dealt with numerous other issues until the unfolding of the most successful terrorist attack in US history on September 11, 2001.
With broad international approval I temporarily disrupted the Taliban government, which has now re-emerged to control much of southern Afghanistan after I abandoned this campaign for Iraq.
I campaigned strongly for war in Iraq. I claimed that:
Iraq possessed weapons of mass destruction (none have been found).
Iraq had ties to Al Qaeda (Iraq opposed Al Qaeda and successfully kept their operatives out of the country before September 2001. The strongest claim to support a connection came from Czech intelligence services and is now retracted. The 9/11 commission "did not believe that such a meeting occurred".)
Iraq would give their weapons of mass destruction to terrorists (A secular Saddam would never give his "ace card" to religious elements he opposed throughout his life and could not control)
The war would be "self-financing" through oil sales ($200 billion total has been allocated, and $138 billion has already been spent with more to follow).
The war would end quickly, with troop deployments down to 30,000 troops by Autumn 2003 (March 2004 troop deployment: 114,000 US plus 23,000 Coalition troops in Iraq; 26,000 US and Coalition logistical support troops in Kuwait).
Americans would be greeted as liberators (Public perception of Americans as liberators dropped from 43% at the time of invasion to 2% after Abu Ghraib).
I punished those who spoke unwelcome truth:
I sent Joseph Wilson to Africa in February 2002 to investigate claims that Iraq had attempted to purchase uranium, where Wilson determined that those claims were based on forged documents. Despite his report I continued to make public Iraq/Nigeria statements as late as January 2003. When Wilson publicly contradicted me, one of my senior officials exposed the CIA cover of Wilson's wife, Valerie Plame, in an article written by Robert Novak and printed in the New York Times on July 14 2003. No one is sure which senior White House official leaked the order or who was aware, but the fact that I hired James Sharp in June 2004 to represent me as a personal criminal defense attorney is significant when you consider that there is no attorney-client privilege between a president and a White House counsel that allows the counsel to withhold information from a Federal grand jury.
I fired Lawrence Lindsey as my economics advisor in early December 2002 for claiming that the Iraq War would cost between $100 and $200 billion. ($138 billion has been spent and $200 billion has been budgeted... so far)
I fired Jay Garner as US Administrator of Iraq in March 2004 for calling for immediate elections instead of allowing American companies to privatize government-owned assets. (American privatization and lack of a legitimate Iraqi government is one of the major reasons for unrest in Iraq.)
I threatened to have Medicare analyst Richard Foster fired if he replied to Congressional requests and reported that the Medicare Prescription Drug Bill would cost $551 billion, $156 billion over the White House's favored estimate of $395 billion.
After the Iraq Health Ministry released figures showing that US and Coalition forces killed twice as many Iraqis as the Insurgents the Iraqis are supposedly being protected from, I acted decisively by ordering the Iraq Health Ministry to not release any more figures.
I rewarded those who spoke welcome lies, paying Ahmed Chalabi and the Iraqi National Congress $340,000 per month for their false intelligence gathered about Iraq. Although Chalabi and the INC had been dropped from the CIA payroll in 1996 for being an unreliable source and also dismissed by the DIA (Defense Intelligence Agency) for the same reason, I continued to use Chalabi and the INC to support claims of WMDs in Iraq. Even after their information proved false and no weapons were found I remained so close to Chalabi that he sat with Laura Bush as my "Special Guest" during my September 2003 State of the Union address. I continued to pay the INC regularly until May 2004, when allegations surfaced that Chalabi had passed classified American intelligence to Iran.
I put tremendous pressure on the CIA to come up with information to support policies that have already been adopted (as determined by the Senate Report of Pre-war Intelligence on Iraq). When the CIA and DIA refused to verify intelligence items I wanted to believe, Donald Rumsfeld and I created the Office of Special Plans. This independent department within the Pentagon was designed to bypass the CIA and feed the discredited and unreliable information I wanted to believe was true back into the intelligence stream in order to support conclusions that the CIA and DIA could not. The OSP took much of the discredited information from Chalabi and the Iraqi National Congress.
I opposed the creation of the Department of Homeland Security for nine months, before turning around to take credit for its creation.
I opposed the creation of an independent 9/11 panel. After being forced to accept the commission, I gave it only $12 million in funding to do its work (compared to $50 million for Whitewater and MonicaGate) before turning around to take credit for its creation.
My war against Al Qaeda has been a miserable failure. The International Institute for Strategic Studies' most conservative estimate (May 25, 2004) is that the occupation of Iraq has helped Al Qaeda recruit 18,000 operatives in more than 60 countries. By my State Department's own estimates, world terror attacks are now at their highest level in 20 years, up 36% since 2001.
I have held 660 prisoners in Guantanamo, Cuba for over two years without trial or formal charge. My prisoners, several of whom were between the ages of 13 and 16, have never been formally charged. They are kept in steel cages, subjected to ongoing torture, and denied access to legal counsel in opposition to Supreme Court rulings (Rasul v. Bush). These prisoners are "the worst of the worst", "hard core, well trained terrorists" and their guilt is beyond doubt, which is why I've set 87 of them free without explanation or apology.
In the past year I claim to have trained 100,000 Iraqi police forces, but only 8,169 of those have passed the required 8-week training course. Another 46,176 are listed as "untrained".
My Secretary of Defense is the first in US history to have acknowledged ordering an intentional violation of the Geneva Conventions, in which Abu Ghraib prisoners were held "off the books" and hidden from the Red Cross. When this order was made public I refused to discipline him in any way, instead complimenting him on his job performance.
After being informed of abuses at Abu Ghraib on January 16 (first reported on January 13) which included "Threatening male detainees with rape" and "Sodomizing a detainee with a chemical light and perhaps a broom stick" I made "freedom from torture chambers and rape rooms" a centerpiece in my speeches until April 29 when the story finally broke on 60 Minutes II.
My administration is the first since the Civil War to imprison US Citizens (Jose Padilla) as "enemy combatants" without charges, trial, or access to legal counsel. In a 5-4 decision (Rumsfeld v. Padilla) the Supreme Court dodged the opportunity to rule on the legality, ruling that the case had been improperly filed.
My administration broke new legal ground by using material witness warrants to give effective life sentences to US citizens without charge, trial, access to legal counsel, or even plans to prosecute.
My justice department was the first in US history to attempt to enforce federal regulations while refusing to disclose what those regulations are.
My legal war against terror has been a miserable failure: I have detained more than 5,000 people on suspicion of terrorist ties, some of whom have been held without charge or without access to a lawyer. I have successfully convicted zero.
Despite these mistakes and miserable failures I have never admitted error or expressed regret or displeasure at any outcome. Quite the contrary - at every opportunity I have called these outcomes successes, and voters can look forward to more of these successes in the future. Please consider my qualifications and record of accomplishments when you cast your vote this November.


Friday, October 08, 2004

Jayalalitha's Interview to BBC World's HARDtalk India

Transcript of J. Jayalalitha's interview on BBC World's HARDtalk India. The interview will be telecast on BBC World on Friday 1st October at 2200 IST. Please give credit to HARDtalk India presented by Karan Thapar to be telecast on BBC World on Friday 1st October 2004 at 2200 IST should you be using excerpts from the interview.

KT: Hello and welcome to HARDtalk India. My guest today is the Chief Minister of India's southern state of Tamil Nadu. Just over three years ago her party won an astonishing 80% victory in the state elections, just over three months ago her party failed to win a single seat in the National elections. How does she explain this astonishing reversal of fortune? Is the Chief Minister misunderstood or has the Chief Minister made mistakes. That in a sense is the core question that I shall put today to the Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu, J. Jayalalitha. Chief Minister, how do you explain that humiliating outcome in May, not a single seat for your party?
JJ: I don't think it was a humiliating outcome at all. The results show that we have retained our vote bank. We got more than a crore of votes on our own which I think was a very good performance.
KT: But you got no seats.
JJ: Yes, but that is because we go by a simple majority system here.
KT: So the voting pattern of the country and the voting system went against you?
JJ: I would say that we retained our vote bank. There was no erosion in our vote bank. We did very well but there was a formidable alliance ranged against us.
KT: Let's talk a little about the image the press has built up about you which many people believe has gone against you this time around. Over the last three years the press has variously described you as undemocratic, as irresponsible. They've even talked about you as irrational, vengeful and maybe even irresponsible. Are you misunderstood or have you made mistakes you can admit to?
JJ: I'm not irresponsible at all. That is totally removed from the truth. Yes I am misunderstood. As for all these tags that is because the media have been against me, not just for the past three years but ever since I came to politics. Perhaps it is because the whole world is a stage and everyone is acting all the time and I tend to be straight to the point. Hypocrisy is not my forte at all. That way I must say I'm a bit unconventional for a politician. The rule of the game seems to require considerable play-acting. I have acted in films before the cameras but I'm incapable of acting in real life.
KT: You mean your honesty and straight forwardness goes against you?
JJ: I'm honest. Let me be very honest with you. I prefer to play straight and I prefer speaking the truth. If I appear to be blunt, so be it. Yes, I am misunderstood and the media have a large part to play in this.
KT: Let's explore that a little. You said that you weren't irresponsible yet within five days of your party failing to win a single seat at the May general elections you reversed a whole series of decisions that you had taken over the last three years.
JJ: Let me explain. The changes made in May 2004 were termed by the press and the media as rollbacks and they made it appear that these were done in the wake of the results of the parliamentary elections. But that is not really so. What I was attempting was a major calibration of the process of structural adjustment which had to be undertaken after I assumed office in May 2001.
KT: But you did it just after you lost seats rather than earlier.
JJ: No let me explain. I will explain. You must remember that I was bequeathed a shattered economy and total fiscal chaos by the previous DMK government. To put it mildly the state treasury was simply not making payments. I inherited a whole pile of unpaid bills. The fiscal balance had to be restored and these needed structural changes. It was...
KT: (Intervenes) But forgive me Chief Minister the reforms include economic and fiscal reforms which you reversed.
JJ: Yes.
KT: So far from making structural changes you are reversing your own structural changes.
JJ: No I was just explaining that I inherited a whole pile of unpaid bills and fiscal chaos. I had to make the people swallow bitter medicine. By 31st March 2003 all the earlier payments were cleared and by the end of the fiscal year 2003-2004 Tamil Nadu's fiscal heath was fully restored. As the fiscal situation turned from terminal decline to the pink of robust health I started making these calibrations even from January 2003, well before the parliamentary elections.
KT: Do you know what people say, the press says that Jayalalitha reversed her economic and fiscal reforms such as stopping power to farmers, such as stopping cheap access to easy grain for people earning over 5000 because she wanted easy popularity. She had lost, she was worried she would lose again.
JJ: That is not correct. You must remember that Tamil Nadu has been greatly affected by three years of continuous drought and people, particularly the poor farmers and agricultural laborers had to be insulated against the income shock caused by drought. In such a situation one cannot be dogmatic or opinionated. If change is warranted in a new situation, so be it. It has to be done.
KT: In which case why did you...
JJ: (Intervenes) I'm sure I have done well in protecting the farmers and the landless agricultural laborers and you must remember that Tamil Nadu has been free from starvation deaths and malnutrition deaths which have afflicted many other states.
KT: Chief Minister, why did you then reverse the anti-conversion bill? That was extremely popular when you first passed it.
JJ: That has nothing to do with economic reform.
KT: Yes but it was one of the reversions.
JJ: It was misunderstood and particularly it was blown up by the media.
KT: So in other words you buckled under media pressure?
JJ: No, not at all. It was misunderstood by many people. It was not an anti-conversion law, it was an anti forcible conversion law.
KT: But it was misunderstood for almost two years. You could have repealed it earlier, you didn't. You only repealed it after you failed to win seats.
JJ: It has nothing to do with that. If you insist on giving this interpretation I can't help it.
KT: What about the...
JJ: (Intervenes) As to why the media is biased, that is because I am a self-made woman. Politics has for long been a male bastion. Mrs. Indira Gandhi changed all that, but still you must remember that Mrs. Indira Gandhi had all the inbuilt advantages. She had the advantage of being born in the...
KT: (Intervenes) You're saying that media picks on you?
JJ: I do think so.
KT: Because you are a woman?
JJ: You are not allowing me to finish anything I want to say.
KT: No, is it because you are a woman?
JJ: I don't think it's because I am a woman. It's because I don't have a background like other women political leaders of Asia. If you'll allow me to complete a sentence, Mrs. Indira Gandhi was born into the Nehru family. She was the daughter of Jawaharlal Nehru. Mrs. Srimavo Bandaranaiake was the wife of Bandaranaiake, Benazir Bhutto was the daughter of Bhutto, Khaleeda Zia was the widow of Zia-ur- Rehman.
KT: What's the point you are making?
JJ: Sheikh Haseena was the daughter of Mujibur Rehman. I have no such background. I'm a self made woman.
KT: And so you are picked upon.
JJ: Nothing was handed to me on a golden platter.
KT: But are you saying that because you are self-made you are picked upon?
JJ: I do not know the reasons. It's the media who have to explain why they have been so biased.
KT: Okay. You say that you are not irresponsible, you say that in fact calibrated changes...
JJ: (Intervenes) If you knew my routine you would be surprised. I get up at 4 o'clock in the morning and I am awake till one the next morning and all my time, all my attention is religiously devoted to work, work and nothing else but work. I have no time, no time to think of vendetta or think of vengeance against...
KT: (Intervenes) You are saying you have no time... It is interesting that you should pick the word vendetta. You say you have no time for vendetta. The press point out that when you arrested your predecessor you did it at two in the morning, on a Saturday although the case against him had already been filed a day before.
JJ: If you allow me a few minutes...
KT: But can I finish the question and then...
JJ: I know what you are getting at. So, the DMK's government foisted cases against me and threw me in jail. I languished in jail for twenty-eight days in a case in which I was ultimately acquitted...
KT: (Intervenes) So was it revenge?
JJ: When Mr. Karunanidhi did this the media gave him kudos for throwing me into jail portraying it as a triumph of good over evil. If only they knew the truth, later the people saw through Mr. Karunanidhi's mean game and they elected me to power in 2001 with a thumping majority.
KT: (Intervenes) But when you arrested him...
JJ: When I became Chief Minister Mr. Karunanidhi was arrested in a corruption case. At that time his family channel Sun TV played a big hoax with a very cleverly edited footage...
KT: (Intervenes) Can I interrupt because I think the important thing Chief Minister...
JJ: (Intervenes) And at that time the entire media was...
KT: (Intervenes) You are reading a statement...
JJ: (Intervenes) I'm not reading. I'm looking at you and talking. You can check it in the camera.
KT: But I want to say...
JJ: I'm looking at you and speaking. I'm not reading.
KT: I'm want to put out a concern to you. People say...
JJ: (Intervenes) You have notes before you. Shall I say you are reading.
KT: I have questions in front of me.
JJ: Alright I have notes in front of me. Nothing forbids me from having notes.
KT: Chief Minister...
JJ: I'm not reading. I'm looking at you straight in the eye. I look everyone straight in the eye.
KT: You arrested a man who was 77.
JJ: Age has nothing to do with corruption.
KT: A former Chief Minister of 14 years standing...
JJ: I too was a former Chief Minister when I was arrested.
KT: So was it revenge? It was vengeance?
JJ: It was not vengeance. He was involved in a corruption case.
KT: You don't regret the way it was handled?
JJ: I do not regret it at all because what was shown to the people was cleverly edited footage, it was a hoax played on the people. People in the media like you would not have seen through it, you may have taken it on phase value, but the people saw through it.
KT: Okay what about what the press calls your inconsistency and unreliability. They say that her relationship with Sonia Gandhi as an ally is an on-off affair.
JJ: I do not want to discuss Mrs. Sonia Gandhi in this interview.
KT: Why?
JJ: I have the choice to pick and choose the questions I want to answer.
KT: You have a choice to pick and choose the questions you wish to answer but don't you think...
JJ: It's my democratic right. I don't have to answer every question you put to me.
KT: Except...
JJ: I do not wish to discuss Mrs. Sonia Gandhi.
KT: Except for the fact that people will wonder why you don't want to talk about someone who was your ally in '99, who you publicly spoke against as a possible Prime Minister of the country...
JJ: If you have other questions you may ask them. I don't wish to answer these questions.
KT: Okay can I put one quote to you? The press say that she turned against Sonia Gandhi in 2003 to ingratiate herself to the BJP; today she is saying nice things about Sonia Gandhi because she wishes to ingratiate herself with Congress.
JJ: I have not said any such nice things. All that I said was I did not make any personal attacks and I have no reason to make any personal attacks. What happened during the parliamentary polls was an electoral confrontation and not a personal confrontation.
KT: Except...
JJ: (Intervenes) Now I'm looking you straight in the eye and you are reading from your notes.
KT: I'm reading a quotation of yours so I don't get it inaccurate. In '98 you said it would be a national shame if that foreigner comes to power. In 2003 you said it will be a crime shame and moral bankruptcy for the Congress to project Sonia Gandhi as Prime Minister.
JJ: My feelings on the issue of a person of foreign origin ruling the country are well known.
KT: And unchanged?
JJ: My statements are on record. There is no change in my stand.
KT: So you remain by your position?
JJ: Yes I'm quite consistent.
KT: That Sonia Gandhi should not become Prime Minister of India.
JJ: Not just Sonia Gandhi. Not just Mrs. Sonia Gandhi, any person of foreign origin.
KT: Let's switch to another concern the media has. They say that Jayalalitha is undemocratic. In fact they go further. They say you are dictatorial. How do you respond to that?
JJ: I think people are the best judges.
KT: Why...
JJ: The media has never had good things to say about me. And you didn't allow me to finish what I wanted to say earlier.
KT: Why do your M.L.As ...
JJ: You'd be surprised to know my routine I said. I spend all my time devoted to work. I don't do anything else. I work all the time for the development of Tamil Nadu, for the good of the people of Tamil Nadu.
KT: I accept that completely. But why do your M.L.As and your Ministers in public prostrate themselves in front of you?
JJ: They prostrate before other political leaders. They prostrate before Mr. Karunanidhi too. His MLAs and MPs do that all the time.
KT: But they are people...
JJ: Except that you choose not to notice it. Whenever there is any small incident involving me it is blown up beyond proportion. It is an Indian tradition to seek blessings from elders.
KT: In this fashion?
JJ: Yes it is an Indian tradition. I think you are an Indian. I think you know enough about Indian tradition and culture.
KT: But is it fitting for ministers of the state...
JJ: I have asked them not to do it.
KT: They don't listen to you?
JJ: They do listen. They don't do it nowadays in public.
KT: It's been stopped?
JJ: It's been stopped.
KT: When you say they don't do it in public...
JJ: (Intervenes) I've given many statements to this effect. I have given public statements asking my party men and MLAs and Ministers not to prostrate in public. They don't do it. They've not been doing it for the last three or four years.
KT: The media also points towards the fact that in slightly over three years you have reshuffled your cabinet, as the Deccan Chronicle points out, over fifteen times.
JJ: That I'm allowed to do, for administrative convenience.
KT: You mean to say that you need to do it so often for administrative convenience?
JJ: I know what I need to do for the good of the state.
KT: The press says...
JJ: If certain persons are appointed to certain posts and if their performance is not satisfactory, for the good of the state, for administrative improvement I have to make a change. I cannot refrain from making a change simply because their will be carping criticism from persons in the media like you.
KT: Except for the fact that the media all the way across the country says that Jayalalitha does it to keep them insecure, to keep them dependent on her.
JJ: If they keep on making such unjustified remarks I have nothing to say.
KT: Let's talk a little about you. Your party the AIADMK is formally a part of the Dravida movement. The Dravida movement...
JJ: Not formally part of the Dravida movement, it is still part of the Dravidian movement.
KT: Except that the Dravidian movement is a rationalist, atheist, iconoclastic movement. Where do you personally fit into that?
JJ: It's not an atheist movement, it's not an atheist movement. You are totally wrong. You haven't read Dravidian history.
KT: Periyar was an atheist...
JJ: Anna said, 'ondre kulam oruvane devam', that means there is only one God. So Anna recognized the existence of God, so it doesn't mean atheism.
KT: Are you embarrassed by your belief in numerology and astrology?
JJ: Who said that I believe in astrology and numerology? You say it, people in the media say it. What is the proof you have of that?
KT: Don't you chose...
JJ: (Intervenes) Why should I be embarrassed?
KT: Don't you choose auspicious hours when you do things?
JJ: Many people in India do that. Have you asked this question of Mr. Vajpayee, Mr. Advani, many other leaders?
KT: I asked identical questions of Vasundhara Raje Scindia. The press says that Jayalalitha spends a lot of time propitiating gods, she spends a lot of time choosing auspicious hours. Are you superstitious?
JJ: I am not superstitious and I must say I am rather disappointed with the tone and tenor of this interview. You seem to preface almost every sentence, every question with the word the press says or the media says so. The press and the media have always been making uncharitable, unfair, unjustified remarks, comments without any basis. What do you expect me to say to all this?
KT: Can I ask you why did you believe in...
JJ: If people believed all that the media have said about me, have written about me, I couldn't have won a single election, I wouldn't be sitting where I am now.
KT: Except for the fact in 2001 suddenly you...
JJ: I'm sorry I agreed to do this interview. That's all I can say.
KT: In 2001, Chief Minister, you changed the spelling of you name. Can I ask you why? You added an extra 'a'.
JJ: It's my prerogative to do so. I don't have to explain. I don't have to explain anything to you for that matter.
KT: No but I asked for a simple reason. As Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu, you set an example...
JJ: I changed the spelling of my name before I became the Chief Minister again. That is my prerogative. Did you ask Vaiko why he changed his name to Vaiko from Y. Gopalaswami? Go and ask him that.
KT: So when the press depict you, as I began this interview by saying...
JJ: (Intervenes) You are doing a good job of it again now.
KT: No I'm putting a question to you. When the press depict you as irresponsible for reversing your policies...
JJ: (Intervenes) I'm not irresponsible. I spend all my time working. I deny it totally.
KT: When they say you are vengeful you deny that?
JJ: I deny that.
KT: When they say you are inconsistent, you deny that?
JJ: I do deny it.
KT: And when they say that her attitude to astrology, numerology suggests she is irrational, you deny that as well?
JJ: I deny that also. I'm a perfectly rational, sensible, sober, very responsible leader. I can say with confidence that no other Chief Minister in Tamil Nadu's history has worked so hard for the development and progress of the state as I have been doing and as I am doing.
KT: Then let me put this to you. You face state elections in slightly under two years time in May 2006 at the latest.
JJ: Yes I am perfectly aware of that.
KT: Are you worried that after the problem you faced in May at the general elections when your party did not win a single seat that you will lose the state elections?
JJ: (Intervenes) I am not worried at all.
KT: But won't this press image that is widespread across the country, not just Tamil Nadu, work against you?
JJ: It's irrelevant.
KT: You are confident that you can reach out to the people above the press and convince them of the real Jayalalitha?
JJ: As I told you earlier if the people took seriously what the media persons have been writing about me and saying about me, I could not have won a single election.
KT: Except that you lost in '96 and you didn't win any seats at the national elections in 2004.
JJ: What about the '98 that came immediately after '96? What about the general elections then?
KT: But this is what I am saying. Your career in the last ten years, and particularly in the last three, has seen amazing roller coasters.
JJ: This is true of every political leader. It's true of life itself. Life is full of ups and downs. The political career of any leader is full of victories and defeats. No one is consistently successful, no one is a consistent loser.
KT: You've also faced cases in court. Does it worry you that now you have to go to court not just in Tamil Nadu but...
JJ: I have been facing a number of cases since 1996. All these cases were foisted on me. I have never run away from facing these cases. I've been acquitted in 12 cases so far. What does that show? That the cases were false.
KT: In one of the cases, the Tansi case, where you were acquitted and exonerated by the Supreme Court, the same court, in its verdict said it asked you to ponder on whether you have done the right thing in breeching the spirit of the code of conduct...
JJ: (Intervenes) I never comment on any judgment of the Supreme Court. I have never done so so far, I will not do it now.
KT: Except for the fact that many people felt, not just the press this time, but the court was actually saying that legally you were innocent but morally you had a case to answer at least to yourself personally.
JJ: I told you I do not comment on any judgment of the Supreme Court, whether the judgment involves me personally or any other matter of public importance. I never have commented on any judgment of the Supreme Court, I will not do so.
KT: You are a very tough person, Chief Minister.
JJ: People like you have made me so.
KT: You said that you were misunderstood.
JJ: Yes.
KT: Do you think that you are badly treated by the press?
JJ: I do not wish to say anything more on this. Anyway your interview is not doing anything to help matters.
KT: My aim, Chief Minister, was to get to the core of the misunderstanding. You said that the press...
JJ: Your aim seems to have been to put as many unpleasant questions as possible and try to provoke me.
KT: Not to provoke you but to put to you the questions that have been discussed for the last three years and which in many ways may be responsible for the electoral adversity...
JJ: Haven't you asked all of your questions? Have you got anything more to ask?
KT: I have come very close to the end of this interview, I have only one last question. Are you confident that you can see your electoral low point over with, and that you will win in 2006?
JJ: Wait and see. I told you already I don't believe in astrology. I can't predict what will happen in the next elections but you will be around I suppose. Wait and see what happens.
KT: Is that a yes, you will win?
JJ: I said wait and see.
KT: Chief Minister, a pleasure talking to you on HARDtalk India.
JJ: I must say it wasn't a pleasure talking to you. Namaste
Note: This is a verbatim transcript. Opinions expressed by the interviewee are personal and not those of the BBC.


I know why the caged bird sings

A free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wing in the orange suns rays and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

Poet - Maya Angelou


Thursday, September 30, 2004

i lost around 50 grams

Its been ages since I wrote anything. Well I was in hospital and was also hooked up with this-and-that so, sorry !! Well I had an operation around 15 days back and got my appendicitis removed.
ap·pen·di·ci·tis ( P ) = Inflammation of the vermiform appendix.
[New Latin, from Latin appendix, appendic-, appendage.]
Check this and know more it. No harm to know. What if something like this happens to u? And I always pray to Allah Tala nothing happens to any of my friends. Touchwood!!
There was a major pain in the lower abdomin and I came back home and took rest all day. I always pop in a PudinHara and think its gas or something and it beomes OK in sometime. Thats normal for me. But when the pain didnt subside even in the evening I thought I better go and have a checkup. It came out the be perforation of the appendix. So the operation was to be conducted the next morning.
My cousin brother and bhabhiji also rushed in from Banglore he thought I am going to have a major heart surgery. Anyways it was great that he was around.
The funniest part was when the doctor gave me annestesia. He said " Hey, now tere ko neend aa jayegi aur tum so jana. theek hai ? " I said " I am aleady feeling dizzy................................... " and gone. It was like some one hour of my life got wiped off. I dont remember what happened in that time, remember nothing.
And when I wokeup I had three small small holes in my body. No major cuts and stitches. It was really painful for one day, no pain on the day after. After that bills and bills and bills.
Anyways now this thing can never give me any complcation in the life in future. Because there is no appendix in my body. Na rahega baans na bajegi baansuri.
Well how can I thank my friends? I cant infact. Dipu, Dhiman, Ashwin, Sudip, Priya and many more who were there when I needed them the most. Jaspreet Bhaiya and Bhabhiji ko special thanks.
Well it was a welcome break for me though. But the worst part is when you are alone back home taking rest; there is no one to talk to and at that time you want to talk to everyone.
Stay Fit and Fine everyone. With this..... Adios.


Thursday, September 16, 2004

he loves me / he loves me not

No one has the right to look so beautiful. Glittering eyes and liquid bone structure. What am I saying. How can bones be liquid? I feel like I am swimming in his features. Or are those my senses?
I feel poetry raging in my skull, hammering its way to my soul but the words disappear when he is not there. So am I to be bereft of even the power of recall--helpless in wordlessness?
What of this feeling in the pit of my stomach?
What of this huge wave of despair that threatens to engulf me because soon I will not be able to see the light in his eyes?
My world tilted on its axis and it will never be the same again.
A little less bright; a little more monotonous; a little something gone from my world but not the memory of this moment. And everything connected with it reminds me of him.
The moment that came and went like a hurricane.
I seem to be normal but I know my heart is stunned. I ask "Why me?"
There is no answer and no one can tell me what happened—because this is not supposed to happen.
There is no justice to this. I am forever dumb. I saw, I loved, I despaired, for there never was any hope. And now that he is gone…I am too—in part.
The irony is that I drove him from me. I brought him back and he stayed but he stayed to mock me. The gleam in his eyes that told me he knew. That he was laughing at me. And he stayed to tantalize me…to drive me to a fury of longing…to a point where I no longer cared that he knew what he made me feel. He would come to me when I beckoned. Stay by my side when I wanted. I didn’t have to tell him. He knew.
My senses screamed in revolt because they imagined they were free to feel….but not more than that. So I looked and felt and saw and smelt and heard …….but could not touch. No more than two feet away he would sit—still and secretive--and let me gaze upon him. He knew I needed to look and wonder, all on fire; while he was cold, cold depth of ocean.
And then as simply as that he is gone.
My body shakes with the torment. My stomach roils with the knowledge that he has left in me. My heart weeps in fury, feeling damned.
And all I feel all the time is longing. Pure and simple longing. I close my eyes and see him in mind’s eye. All there--in the flesh. And open them to find him unavailable and unattainable…... forever not mine.
I just made the mistake of falling in love.


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