Thursday, September 16, 2004

he loves me / he loves me not


No one has the right to look so beautiful. Glittering eyes and liquid bone structure. What am I saying. How can bones be liquid? I feel like I am swimming in his features. Or are those my senses?
I feel poetry raging in my skull, hammering its way to my soul but the words disappear when he is not there. So am I to be bereft of even the power of recall--helpless in wordlessness?
What of this feeling in the pit of my stomach?
What of this huge wave of despair that threatens to engulf me because soon I will not be able to see the light in his eyes?
My world tilted on its axis and it will never be the same again.
A little less bright; a little more monotonous; a little something gone from my world but not the memory of this moment. And everything connected with it reminds me of him.
The moment that came and went like a hurricane.
I seem to be normal but I know my heart is stunned. I ask "Why me?"
There is no answer and no one can tell me what happened—because this is not supposed to happen.
There is no justice to this. I am forever dumb. I saw, I loved, I despaired, for there never was any hope. And now that he is gone…I am too—in part.
The irony is that I drove him from me. I brought him back and he stayed but he stayed to mock me. The gleam in his eyes that told me he knew. That he was laughing at me. And he stayed to tantalize me…to drive me to a fury of longing…to a point where I no longer cared that he knew what he made me feel. He would come to me when I beckoned. Stay by my side when I wanted. I didn’t have to tell him. He knew.
My senses screamed in revolt because they imagined they were free to feel….but not more than that. So I looked and felt and saw and smelt and heard …….but could not touch. No more than two feet away he would sit—still and secretive--and let me gaze upon him. He knew I needed to look and wonder, all on fire; while he was cold, cold depth of ocean.
And then as simply as that he is gone.
My body shakes with the torment. My stomach roils with the knowledge that he has left in me. My heart weeps in fury, feeling damned.
And all I feel all the time is longing. Pure and simple longing. I close my eyes and see him in mind’s eye. All there--in the flesh. And open them to find him unavailable and unattainable…... forever not mine.
I just made the mistake of falling in love.
NOW PEOPLE SEE I AM WRITING THIS IN CAPS... THIS WAS NOT WRITTEN BY ME.. BY ONE OF MY COLLEAGUES.. KAVITA.. SHE WRITES AWESOME AND HAS MAJOR ARTICLE PUBLICATIONS... HOW CAN YOU EVER EXPECT ME TO WRITE SUCH SENTI STUFF??? YUKSSS.....

3 comments:

Anil 9:21 AM, September 18, 2004  

him..he..wtf... have you suddenly turned gay?

Anil 7:56 AM, September 21, 2004  

Virdee.. saale.. link to my website

blue ice 7:20 AM, September 28, 2004  

Virdi jee...kaun hai vo ??

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